Unlucky. 

why is it that i am so unlucky in love
whenever i think i find someone
something comes in between us
be it mental illness
mental unfitness
physical illness
mental unpreparedness

its not fair that everyone else can be so happy
but i cannot be
(in this regard)

i can have all the things in the world
but without love i am empty and have nothing

half empty
half filled
half fulfilled
half happy
halfway there
half
is not whole

i can only drink 2% milk
its all starting to make sense

i know there are things about me that are not full enough for other people. my mental capacity is low. i dont have all the abilities im supposed to have. maybe im still too young for everything. and thats ok too. its okay to not be ready for stuff. its okay to be not okay.

my head hurts because i am battling addition. i did not know it was this hard. i know that i dont need weed. why dont i know that i dont need cigarettes. because they fuck with my brain. and without them i have headaches and body sweats and anger and frustration. maybe this is why it is raining. something about the new moon in taurus too. i keep searching for things i probably have no business looking for. and instead i should be concentrating on fixing myself. i have to do the things that make me happy and hope that everything else falls into place thereafter. part of me wants to believe that something is going to give soon. that something is going to change. but the last few times that ive felt this way, nothing has happened at all but disappointment. so maybe i should stop looking forward to things.

i just want to know what it is that will make my life worth living. the same dilemma’s ive had i still have and the pain of uncertainty still hurts. at the quarter century mark, i am still just a quarter through it all. i hurt. all over. i ache for stability. i am filled with worry that nothing will be okay ever. and i will always be looking for things to complete me. im tired of being half here. im half in reality and half in my mind. but i havent been in touch with my mind in a long time just how i havent been in touch with writing or photography or any of the other things that used to keep me sane before i found boys and weed and cigarettes.

my head feels like a balloon that losing air. it hurts in the middle and a little behind my eyes. the worst part about writing this right now is that i know im still going to go smoke a cigarette at some point today… and the more i write, the more i want to go smoke. weed puts me in a daze. its good for creativity but bad for everything else.

i know i need to let certain things go in order to move forward. so im shaking off the fear of love in front of me and im shaking off the fear of judgment and i need to find help for my addiction so that i can move on with my life.

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