How long will I feel like this? How long will I allow the shape and color and intensity of clouds to dictate my mood? How long will I feel like I’m waiting on baited breath? How long will I feel like a failure, searching for love like I never had it before?
It’s strange, honestly. I keep wracking my brain, searching for evidence that I was mistreated as a child and that’s the reason why I search so desperately for someone to hold me like baby.
My mother told me once that my father did not take care of us when we were babies, my sister and I. That she did all the work and my dad did nothing. I believed this for a long time. I swore that my father was the reason that I always vied for the attention of men.
I used to have a best friend, a girl who’s life I wanted because it seemed normal and perfect. This was in high school, the worst time for me to be jealous of someone, and yet there I was. I had more than she did. But she had attention. I had mental issues. An illness, of some definition I could not find. I swore that my mother and my sisters’ close relationship created envy in me, and I searched desperately for a woman to bond with.
Currently, I have female friends that I refuse to form deeper relationships with, because I do not want to be jealous. I have male friends that I receive too much attention from, but I keep them around because I do not want to be lonely.
For reasons I cannot explain, I cannot be happy and whole on my own. I suppose this isn’t that bad of a thing… I always try to justify this feeling by reminding myself that we are social creatures and do better around others. But am I better around others?
What are you, when you are alone? Who am I by myself?