It’s one thing when someone tells you they love you when they really love someone else
And then they say that they have room in your heart for you too
But that doesn’t make sense to you
So you spend the rest of your life wondering how hearts really work
How long will I feel like this? How long will I allow the shape and color and intensity of clouds to dictate my mood? How long will I feel like I’m waiting on baited breath? How long will I feel like a failure, searching for love like I never had it before?
It’s strange, honestly. I keep wracking my brain, searching for evidence that I was mistreated as a child and that’s the reason why I search so desperately for someone to hold me like baby.
My mother told me once that my father did not take care of us when we were babies, my sister and I. That she did all the work and my dad did nothing. I believed this for a long time. I swore that my father was the reason that I always vied for the attention of men.
I used to have a best friend, a girl who’s life I wanted because it seemed normal and perfect. This was in high school, the worst time for me to be jealous of someone, and yet there I was. I had more than she did. But she had attention. I had mental issues. An illness, of some definition I could not find. I swore that my mother and my sisters’ close relationship created envy in me, and I searched desperately for a woman to bond with.
Currently, I have female friends that I refuse to form deeper relationships with, because I do not want to be jealous. I have male friends that I receive too much attention from, but I keep them around because I do not want to be lonely.
For reasons I cannot explain, I cannot be happy and whole on my own. I suppose this isn’t that bad of a thing… I always try to justify this feeling by reminding myself that we are social creatures and do better around others. But am I better around others?
What are you, when you are alone? Who am I by myself?
Do I walk the dog or does the dog walk me?
I’ve noticed that these morning walks are good for the both of us. Being outside feels better than being inside and looking out. I read a book a month or so ago called “The Nature Fix”. It elaborated on the fact that humans are wired to be one with nature, thanks to evolution. We were made in nature, therefore all of our senses and instincts are designed to benefit from it. Urbanization and city-living has taken this from us, so instead we believe we are wired to be inside four walls, staring at televisions, going to jobs that we don’t like, raising children with made-up beliefs about the world.
With my photography, I want people to see the beauty in the outside world and hopefully take out some time to go be in it. As much as I dread having to leave the comfort of my bed to take my dog outside, she represents something we all are – animals in nature. She doesn’t have to use a toilet or toilet paper. She acts on instinct (and training) and knows that outside in the grass is where she wants to go pee. I would never think of such… unless I’ve had tons of alcohol and immediate relief comes before comfort.
Being a dog owner has helped me appreciate nature in its highest capacity. My normal worries and over-reactions about life are put into perspective when I step outside and look up to the blue sky and white clouds and bright yellow sun. These are things that really matter, and I should be more concerned with conserving the things that really keep me alive than the things I think will keep me alive. In ten years, I will be more devastated if the sea levels rise so much that all our wildlife dies than I will be if my decrepit president sends us all into a world war based on ego and dominance. Human life is short, but nature will be here forever… Or at least until the sun burns everything and becomes a supernova.
Morning walks in nature are good for everyone. It calms, it heals, it is and will always be.